Lalu Bean

inspiration.
motivation.
enthusiasm?
any +/or all of the above?
got any?
because i need some.

i need to find a job.
+ i am not motivated to do so.
in any way, shape or form.
+ when i do browse the listings
i get even more frustrated.
there is nothing that i want.
nothing that i think i will be happy at.
+ it is so discouraging.

i would be perfectly content with no office job.
no 8-5.
no meaningless reports.
+ no feeling unimportant.
like before.

i love having the time that i do now.
to take photos.
+ use my creative outlets in a way that makes me happy.
but i can't.
not forever.
because we need money.
+ it sucks.

i am just feeling less + less motivated everyday.
+ i have to have a job in two months
or else we are going to have to deal with serious consequences.
i just hate this place that i am in right now.
+ i don't seem to know where to go or what to do next.

i need help.
i need guidance.
i really don't know what i even need.
i just had to write about nothing really
to get it off of my chest.
but not even this is making me feel better about the situation today.

i am still so grateful for all of the amazing aspects of my life.
+ i truly do realize that when i am dealing with is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
but i am just scared of not finding anything.
or not being happy.
+ having a time limit upon which i must find something
is so hard + frustrating + terrifying.
+ it is changing everything.
all of our plans.
how we thought we knew just where we were + what was next.
+ now it's just all different.

have you been here before?
how did you get through?
i just want someone to find something for me.
+ interview for me.
+ just do all the hard stuff for me.
how selfish is that?

.lovely.
currently listening to :: fitz + the dizzyspells by andrew bird.